Miscellaneous Jokes and Quips - Island of Sanity

Island of Sanity



Pathetic Attempts at Humor

Miscellaneous Jokes and Quips


Most of these are not original with me, but I've picked them up various places and found them amusing.

Computers

Beware of geeks bearing GIFS!

They say the military isn't spying on us. So how come I keep getting this message that General Failure is reading my hard drive?

I wonder where people used to get floppy disks? I mean, before America On-Line started sending everybody a new one in the mail each week.

Why did Intel name their CPU's "286", "386", "486", then suddenly "Pentium"? I hear that they originally planned to keep up the pattern of adding 100 to the number each time, but when they added 100 to 486 it came to 585.9987231879, and that was too long to print on a chip.

Why do they put that little sticker that says "Intel Inside" on Pentium computers? That's the warning label.

How can you accelerate Windows 95? Preferably at 32 feet per second per second.

Actual quote from a computer magazine: "The Macintosh operating system is very Windows 95-like."

My new computer is so fast, it can do an infinite loop in 97 seconds.

What is the difference between Object Oriented Programming and a project funded by the National Endowment for the Arts?
An NEA project is the art of the state.

Religion

How many charismatics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. Their hands are already in the air.

How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but even after they do, they're still in the dark.

How many humanists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't bother. Electric lights are just a crutch for people who can't see on their own.

If Jesus was Jewish, how come he had a Puerto Rican name?

"Anything in the mail today?" Methuseleh asked his wife.
"Nah," she replied, "Just another delivery from your Book of the Century Club."

Science

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just wait for it to change itself. Of course, no one's ever actually seen a light bulb change itself, but that's because it takes millions of years.

How many people did Heisenberg need to help him change a light bulb?
I don't know how many, but they were moving very fast.

Actual highway sign near my home town:

          ALL METRIC SIGNS
           NEXT 50 MILES

Politics and Government

I hear they're planning to add two new presidential faces to Mount Rushmore. Bill Clinton.

If you watch TV news these days, you'd have to conclude that the greatest threats to American society are immigrants, religious zealots, and gun owners. This is kind of odd, as American society was founded by a group of immigrant religious zealots with guns.

The state department of motor vehicles recently announced that the service charge for processing automobile registrations and driver's licenses will be increased by 20%. However, citizens will get value for this extra money: In the future, the processing for all automobile registrations and driver's licenses will last 20% longer.

The liberal looks at the rich man's big house and fancy car, and says, "No one has the right to live like this." The conservative looks at these same things as says, "Everyone should live like this."

Language

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Aren't rhetorical questions a waste of time?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

A recent survey found that 65% of high school students do not know how to use a thesaurus. Douglass Miller, a spokesman for the publisher of Roger's Thesaurus, said he found this survey, "Disappointing, unsatisfactory, discouraging, and distressing".

The funny thing about Shakespeare is that all the English teachers, professors of literature, and self-appointed guardians of culture are always saying how great his writing is. But if you actually sit down and read his work, it really is good.

How many semanticists does it take to change a light bulb?
Well now, one would not actually "change" the light bulb into anything. Rather, one would remove the current light bulb and install a new one in it's place ...

dyxlesia (noun): self-diagnosis of a dyslectic

Life

If all the people who commute into New York City every day were stacked one on top of the other, the stack would be 1000 miles high. And none of the people in it would be able to distinguish this from their normal ride home.

>From a computer advertisement in England:
Big print: We'll give you a Pentium desktop computer with 32 meg RAM and an 800 meg hard drive absolutely free!
Small print: If you give us 4300 pounds.

I think everyone should meet death quietly in their sleep, with dignity, like my grandfather did; and not getting hysterical and screaming like his passengers.

His music is the kind of music that you can come home from a long day at work, put it on your tape or CD player at, say, six o'clock, sit back and listen to it all night, and then you look at your watch and it's six fifteen.

Actual newspaper headline: "IRS charges topless dancer with concealing her assets".

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

The catch to having an open mind is that people are always dumping their garbage in it.

© 2003 by Jay Johansen


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