Every now and then I hear a woman complain that some girls get an unfair advantage in life because they're beautiful. Whether it's in personal relationships or business, girls who are prettier than they get all the breaks.

This may be true -- it's surely true when it comes to dating.

But the flaw in their thinking is the curious idea that beauty is something you're just born with, that some women are lucky enough to be born beautiful and others are not, and there's nothing you can do about it. But this just isn't true. Beauty isn't something you're born with; it's something you do.

Like any human endeaver, some people are born with natural advantages. But the most important factor is effort.

Suppose you want to play basketball. Being born tall is certainly an advantage. But does that mean that if you are not born tall you can never play basketball, and that anyone born tall is automatically a great basketball player? No. The key to being a good basketball player is training and practice. If you want to be a good high-school player or the champion of your local amateur league, you must practice for many hours every week. If you want to be a professional, you must practice for many hours every day. Of course if you want to be a world champion basketball player, you probably have to both be born tall and practice fourteen hours a day for years. But if your goal is not quite that high, a little extra effort can make up for someone else's natural advantages.

It's the same with beauty. If you want to win the Miss Universe pagaent you have to both be born with natural advantages and do a lot of work. But if you want to be viewed as a beautiful girl by your friends and associates, a little effort can easily overcome anyone else's natural advantages.

What it takes is pretty simple:

1. Maintain a good weight. You don't have to be toothpick skinny. Indeed, most men aren't attracted to anorexic women. You just have to not be fat. Be frank and realistic. If you're average height and over 140 pounds, you're probably too heavy.
2. Grow your hair long and take care of it.
3. Dress attractively. This doesn't mean dress like a slut. Most men don't want to date sluts and they certainly don't respect them. It does mean that if you're going to a party or to dinner at a nice restaurant, wear a pretty dress. If you're going someplace where a dress would be inappropriate, like a hiking trip, wear nice jeans or whatever. Don't wear sweat pants, a baggy shirt, and army boots unless you're going to clean a manure pile.
4. Use make-up. It doesn't have to be elaborate, just enough to cover up flaws and accentuate your good features a little.

At this point someone might protest that this is not simple at all, especially the losing weight part. But it is simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. Barring some extreme medical condition, losing weight is simply a matter of eating less and exercising more. It takes self-control, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out how to do it. (A few years ago I decided that I should lose about 40 pounds. Within a few weeks I had lost 20. And that's where I stuck. I've never been able to lose the remaining 20. But I know exactly why. It's because I enjoy food more than I want to lose the remaining weight. There's no mystery.)

I often hear a woman say that her husband or boyfriend should love her regardless of how she's dressed, that she should be able to wear something comfortable and he should be satisfied with that. That's like saying that a woman shouldn't care how much money her husband makes, that he should be able to just get a job that requires the least effort and she should be satisfied with that. That's not how real life works. If you want to win the rewards of hard work, you have to actually do the work. Few rewards come to those who sit back and do nothing.

Side note: Realistically, some women are born with natural disadvantages, like disfiguring birth defects. Or she may have had her looks marred by disease or an accident. There are ways to overcome this, but that's another subject. More often, women worry way too much about trivial or imagined body flaws. No one has a perfect body. Call attention to your best features and don't worry about the rest.

If these things are too much effort for you, if you have other priorities, then that's fine. That's your decision. Hopefully you will enjoy the rewards of the things that you do devote your efforts to. Just don't expect to be rewarded for the effort you didn't make, or complain that others do.

© 2009 by Jay Johansen

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