Democrat Phonics

There has been a great deal of discussion and controversy recently about "ebonics", short for "ebony phonics", which, supporters claim, is a legitimate dialect of English commonly spoken by poor black people.

Linguists and philologists are pleased to see all this new popular attention suddenly being focused on their field. This discussion has brought attention to other dialects of English. Perhaps one of the most unusual is the variation of English spoken by liberal politicians and news reporters. As these people are mostly Democrats, it has come to be called "Democrat phonics", or "demonics" for short.

Demonics differs from standard English primarily in its use of irregular verbs. That is, most verbs in English follow a simple pattern regardless of who is doing the action: "I jump, you jump, he jumps", or "I stand, you stand, he stands". But some verbs do not follow this pattern. For example, "I am, you are, he is" -- the verb is completely different depending on who is doing the action.

Such verbs are very common in demonics. A completely different form of the verb is used depending on whether the person doing the action is a liberal or a conservative. Here are a few of the more common examples:

liberal form conservative form
liberals educate the public conservatives spread propaganda
liberals learn from history conservatives live in the past
liberals stamp out hate speech conservatives censor opponents
liberals stand on principle conservatives push their ideology
liberals make mistakes
(More technically, it is generally considered incorrect in such contexts to use a subject at all. Rather, the correct usage is, "Mistakes were made.") conservatives flout the law
liberals create economic incentives conservatives give tax breaks to the rich
liberals enact laws for the good of the people conservatives impose their morality on others
liberals seek support from the religious community conservatives impose their religion on others
liberals investigate official misconduct conservatives conduct witch-hunts
liberals stand by their convictions conservatives are close-minded
Demonics may be unique among languages in that it also has irregular adjectives. These include:

liberal form	conservative form
liberals educate the public	conservatives spread propaganda
liberals learn from history	conservatives live in the past
liberals stamp out hate speech	conservatives censor opponents
liberals stand on principle	conservatives push their ideology
liberals make mistakes (More technically, it is generally considered incorrect in such contexts to use a subject at all. Rather, the correct usage is, "Mistakes were made.")	conservatives flout the law
liberals create economic incentives	conservatives give tax breaks to the rich
liberals enact laws for the good of the people	conservatives impose their morality on others
liberals seek support from the religious community	conservatives impose their religion on others
liberals investigate official misconduct	conservatives conduct witch-hunts
liberals stand by their convictions	conservatives are close-minded

liberal form conservative form
When a liberal tells a joke about a political opponent, it is funny. When a conservative tells a joke about a political opponent, it is mean-spirited mud-slinging.
Someone who has been an activist on the liberal side of an issue for many years is expert. Someone who has been an activist on the conservative side of an issue for many years is biased.
A liberal organization which is not officially associated with a political party is non-partisan. A conservative organization which is not officially associated with a political party is right-wing.
Any position held by a liberal, no matter how popular or unpopular, is moderate. Any position held by a conservative, no matter how popular or unpopular, is extremist.

Island of Sanity

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liberal form	conservative form
When a liberal tells a joke about a political opponent, it is funny.	When a conservative tells a joke about a political opponent, it is mean-spirited mud-slinging.
Someone who has been an activist on the liberal side of an issue for many years is expert.	Someone who has been an activist on the conservative side of an issue for many years is biased.
A liberal organization which is not officially associated with a political party is non-partisan.	A conservative organization which is not officially associated with a political party is right-wing.
Any position held by a liberal, no matter how popular or unpopular, is moderate.	Any position held by a conservative, no matter how popular or unpopular, is extremist.

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